Common Sensa

before after

If there’s a diet designed for suckers, I’ve fallen for it. Cabbage soup? What a fabulous idea! South Beach? Yup, done it. (Lost 30 pounds on that one, which is kind of amazing because the complete lack of whole grains and dependence on protein made for a seriously constipating experience. Oh, and I gained the weight back once I returned to eating normal food.) I’m embarrassed to admit that I even tried the Shangri La diet – for one day (This one swore that if you swallowed a teaspoon of olive oil in the morning, you wouldn’t be hungry all day. Which was true, because I was nauseous for 12 straight hours.). Tried Jenny Craig but couldn’t stand talking to the saccharine sweet “weight advisor” once a week. Tried NutraSystems but my freezer wasn’t big enough to store 30 days worth of frozen meals that tasted suspiciously like cardboard. And yes, I’m on and off Weight Watchers but hate to clock the points for those two glasses of wine every night.

wine

Hey! Stop rolling your eyes! I can see you!  And I know what I’m doing wrong. Including those two glasses of wine at night. Which I don’t want to give up (and have no intention of doing – life is tough enough without skipping wine).

I also know what I’m doing right – tons of exercise, don’t eat dessert, always eat breakfast, don’t drink soda. So I’m not a complete loser. And in fact, took off 15 pounds three years ago and have kept it off. But I’d love to lose another 15.

So I’m back to searching for the silver bullet – the plan that will let me eat and drink just as I’m doing today but will help me shed weight. Because you know? I’m not into sacrifice right now.

And then, as if Facebook’s magic genies were reading my mind, up popped a series of ads for Sensa on my home page. Yes, Sensa, the latest miracle cure for us fatties. I resisted for a few days, but my resistance was down. (One of the many unpleasant aspects of having cancer is going to the doctor constantly – and being forced to get weighed with every visit…””Hmmm, very good, Mrs. McKenzie, you haven’t gained any weight. But your BMI is still over 27….”) So I clicked on the link…

And there it was. The miracle diet to beat all miracle diets. And, best of all, it involves magic powder! All you do is sprinkle the magic on your food and after a few bites, you’re full. You can eat whatever you want, but Sensa powder gives you instant portion control. Instead of scarfing down the entire turkey burger, you’ll have a few bites, put the burger down, yawn casually, and say, “Oh my. I don’t think I can eat one more bite. I’m sooooo full.”

Sign me up! I was about to click “Yes! I want to try Sensa for free and with absolutely no risk!” when my finger hesitated. Was this perhaps too good to be true? So I typed “Is Sensa a big fat fraud?” into my browser. I was immediately swept to Amazon customer reviews where I learned the following:

  1. Yes. It’s a big fraud.
  2. The magic powder makes your food taste so vile that of course you stop eating it. You could accomplish the same thing by making yourself a dung burger instead of a turkey burger. After one sniff, you won’t be the least big hungry anymore.
  3. Once you click on the free trial, Sensa will be in your life forever. Just try unsubscribing or quitting the program – once Sensa has their lethal claws in your bountiful flesh, they won’t be leaving without a fight.

Damn. I was so sure I had found the solution. If you’ll excuse me for a minute, I think I need a glass of medicinal Pinot Noir to get myself over this severe shock…

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